you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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