I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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