I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
