Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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