i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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