I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
