he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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