even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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