im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
