as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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