i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
