I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think my moral compass just broke
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