i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
