I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
