If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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