I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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