Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
