You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
