If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
