she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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