If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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