Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
