Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
