I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Randomize
