my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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