she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
