well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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