Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
