So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize