The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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