High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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