i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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