apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
