I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
