The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
