apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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