I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
