Cold hands, warm shart.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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