I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
