1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
