Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
