the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
