lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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