He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
