I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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