every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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