Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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