I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
