Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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