Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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