put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
