the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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