All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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