i can't believe i had my finger in that
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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