you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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