I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
