What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
