I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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