I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
