i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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