He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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