Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
