just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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