It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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