I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
