I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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