mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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