I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
too bad you live with your parents still
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
